I re-organized all of my photos on my computer from the last year. Most of them were of you; were of us.
In my anger, I try to remember the joy I felt when I loved you. And when I remember that joy, I try to remember my anger. Every time I go through a wave of memories, I realize another layer of sadness that I hadn’t recognized before. It’s hard to feel a different reason for my sorrow. It’s so painful finding another reason to feel hurt, betrayed, abandoned, deceived. Yes, that’s how I feel when I think of you.
Last night, I watched Eat Pray Love and of course I wept. I missed you. The movie responded saying, “Then miss him. Send him light and love every time you think of him… and then let it go.” The more I watched, the more I realized that it wasn’t just you that I missed - it was the thought of you. The idea of you. I miss the man I thought you were; the man you claimed you were and wanted to be. I miss all of the hopes and dreams I thought we had together. Traveling, seeing the world, living abroad, being adventurous, having a family - those were all things I thought you wanted with me. I thought you were willing to fight to have all of that with me. It’s why I loved you so much and why I was able to envision a family and a future with you. I thought I was worth the fight for you.
How do I send you light and love when all I really want to send you is my anger and pain? How do I just let all of that go?
Someone mentioned contrast tonight in our meditation and how as humans we physically need to experience contrast in our physical beings in order to appreciate what our body experiences every day. I started to think to myself that maybe that was what we were to each other: Contrast. Did the contrast between our relationship and your upbringing, who I was and who your family wanted for you cause you realize that you prefer something other than me? Was it that hard for you? I thought being with you was a challenge with potential; how was I supposed to know that all you felt was misery?
But I was miserable too. I guess now I’m happy.
Am I happy?
No. I admit that I am content, that I am excited for my future and the new opportunities that Life has laid out before me. But in all of that excitement, I am still so sad knowing that I no longer have you in my life to share it with. I thought I had found my life partner when I found you. I thought I found someone who was willing to accept me as his equal. I guess it’s still hard for me to accept that what I really found was the ultimate catalyst to my transformation.
I was not yet who I was supposed to be when I met you. The Universe knew that. I guess it’s a hard truth to swallow that maybe you were nothing more than another stepping stone to my destiny.
I accept the pain that comes with this realization. I accept it as though I had chosen it.
I did. I chose you.
I loved you. It’s so hard to let you go.